Fight me like you hate me
by Monkey Makoko
Summary: [Eruri] There are a lot of stars tonight. The moon is shining in all its glory. My commander is beating me, and I've never felt so alive.


**Fight me like you hate me**

There is a limit for what a person can take before exploding. And I reached my limit this evening.

Well, I mean, seeing more than half of your squad die would do this to anyone.

But Erwin isn't anyone.

We are drinking, having arrived a long time ago, but not even daring to take off our uniforms. Erwin is resting, sitting at the end of one of the large tables. I'm placed two seats at his right. We aren't looking at each other. And, even if we are not alone but surrounded by dejected soldiers, it feels like we are. We've built our own bubble.

This is a clumsy attempt to `drown our sorrows´, as people would say. But it isn't working. Each sip of the bitter liquor is a reminder of what happened, of why we are here.

Erwin's knuckles are white due to the strength he is using to grab his glass. His eyes are fixed on some point of the table. He is frowning and seems very concentrated.

We are not saying anything to each other, but at the same time we are saying everything.

I get up abruptly, pushing the chair aside and attracting all the eyes in the room. But I just care about the one that is still focused on the wood.

"Erwin…"

My voice seems to have awoken him, finally. He raises his head and looks at me in the eye, very slowly.

"I'm waiting for you outside"

After saying this, I take one last sip of my drink and leave. My head is spinning around and feels weightless. My lips are tingling and I'm too hot. Maybe my hand slipped with the alcohol.

I leave the building and cold air surrounds me. I close my eyes, spread my arms out wide and let it caress me. I still feel my cheeks burning, but the contrast manages to calm my nerves a bit.

"What do you want?"

Erwin's soft voice interrupts my thoughts. I turn around to watch him and after breathing deeply, twice, I'm able to ask him.

"Could you hit me?"

Erwin opens his eyes wide and all his body tenses. A shiver runs through my body and I smile. His jaw is clenched and he seems confused. Maybe I wasn't clear enough?

"I want you to hit me. To beat me for good. I don't want to think about anything, I just want to relax and forget".

"Do you know what you are asking for?"

I come closer to him and grab the lapel of his jacket with both hands. It's dirty and smells like sweat. I force him to bend down to have him at my same level and I kiss him.

It's a fast and intense kiss that leaves us both breathless. My head is still spinning and I whisper in his ear.

"Yes, I want you to destroy me".

We get away from the barracks and go to a nearby stony clearing, still inside our territory, and he begins to take his clothes off.

He blindly follows my only requirements: no shirts nor straps or belts, the moment anyone of us wants to stop, the combat will stop. And we won't stop until one of us is completely satisfied.

We are both barefoot, bare chested. There is full moon tonight and the trees are far enough to not bother us with their shadows. This means there is enough light for us to see each other.

Erwin is standing with his back next to mine, he stretches his strong arms, raises them up for a few seconds, palms connected; and then to his sides, holding one arm with the other. His back muscles are hypnotizing and he is distracting me from my own exercises. I shake my head. Bend down one more time and stand up, clapping.

This breaks his concentration and turns around to look at me.

"Are you in a hurry?"

"Yes".

He raises his eyebrows and looks at me with a glimpse of amusement on his eyes. He smiles and moves closer, claps and stands in an attacking position. The fight has started.

He knows my movements too well, and my kicks are not as accurate as when we started training together. He protects himself with great precision and ability. As if he is reading my mind and knows exactly what I'm going every moment.

I finally hit his side and he bends. But before I can take this opportunity, he straightens up and moves away. We take our time to get close again, we move slowly, in circles, like beasts guarding their prey. When we meet again, he gets to deliver a right blow.

A flash of light makes me stagger. I hear a distant whistle. And nothing else.

Before I realize, I'm lying on the ground and I feel the stones scratching my back. Erwin gets a hold of my hair, preventing me from moving my head any further.

Erwin's fist lands on my face once. Twice. Thrice. I don't want to count them. His dark and tall figure is cropped against the sky. I can't see his expression, but I know his eyes are glowing. There are a lot of stars tonight. The moon is shining in all its glory. My commander is beating me, and I've never felt so alive.

Something creaks under his knuckles and I can feel how something is caressing my left cheek. Something warm, like a tongue… I look at my side and there is blood, mixing with the soil of the ground and forming a strange mass. I flex my arm and touch it. It has a weird texture…

And Erwin stops. He supports his weight on his arms on both sides of my head. He's looking down, his hair is messy and I think I never saw it like this.

I use the same hand I had on the mud to touch my own face and I run my fingers through it. They slide easily. But I can't feel it; there is just a tingling sensation. And pain. A sharp and piercing pain. My nose is beating like it has a heart on its own.

My hand rises to touch his face and I leave a trail of blood that goes from his cheek to his neck. I trace the shape of his collarbones with one finger and end my way on his shoulder, extending the elbow, getting him away from me.

He moves his head and looks at me in the eyes. One of his cheekbones seems swollen and I feel proud for a bit.

"Why are you letting me do this to you?"

Why are you asking me this question? I think. I don't need to explain myself to anyone. But before answering him that, I think over.

"Because I know how to deal with this pain".

I swallow but I can only taste blood, I feel nauseous. My head is not spinning anymore. I'm more alive than ever. I'm still alive! It's the adrenaline. It takes over me. Makes me feel powerful, as if I could confront anything right now.

Tomorrow, during training, everything will still be hurting me. But that's good, it will remember me everything we did. What's happening now. Every time I bend, walk, breath…

I rather be unable to walk because a broken rib than because I miss something. Or someone.

* * *

><p>So, I was reading one of Chuck Palahniuk's articles (from his book Stranger than fiction) the other day and he said that once, one man approached him and accused him of stealing his idea to write his famous book, Fight Club. When he was in the army, at war times, he and his team mates used to get drunk and ask each other to fight, to release tension. They used to do this when the situation was too hard to bear. And so, this thing came to my mind. A little mix between this idea and the book Fight Club itself.<p>

Hope you liked it! And remember that this is a **translation** from Spanish,so if you see any mistakes, please, let me know to correct them. Thank you! And thank you for reading! And thanks to Pandanoi for helping me with the translation.


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